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Prologue

Lying in her bed is comforting. Its warm and the sheets are soft and smooth against her skin. When she was little the warmth of a bed used to make her feel utterly safe, like in the arms of her father, where nothing could harm her. Now she knows better; memories of waking up with the taste of tequila on her tongue, in sheets smelling of expensive fabric softeners, fresh on her mind like it was yesterday. Still, she stays in her familiar warmth, because somehow the world melts away there and its no longer as harsh and there are no longer people with their lies and questions.

And she is the expert on those things.

She rarely sleeps, and when she does, its only for short amounts of time. Shes too scared to let herself get lost in dreams and nightmares of who?s and how?s. She stares blankly at her ceiling and for a moment shes in control.

Like when shes cleaning. But theres only so much cleaning a girl can do before her father makes jokes about hiring her full time and all the washing has turned her fingers into pink raisins. In the end her room is cleaner than a shrine in a catholic church.

She expects her father to question it more, after all she thought he knew her better than that. Turns out she was wrong. She told him something about a fight with Duncan - which was true - and he accepted it with a concerned nod.

And shes left alone. To the nothing she hides in under her covers.



Part One

I have Chlamydia, she says, and he looks at her like shes grown another head, his confusion hidden in a laugh when he answers.

What?

Chlamydia. Its a disease. Im pretty sure they brought it up in health. You know, right before we got the plastic babies.

Now hes scared. He frowns, his face not showing any emotion, but its clear he considers his reply.

How do you know?

It sounds stupid to both of their ears.

I know, okay? Had one of the less fun experiences of my life at the doctors today, and you know with my track record that is saying something. Her voice is harsh, her jaw clenched and when she looks at him theres anger in her eyes. So, care to explain? Elaborate?

Wait. What? And now she gets a reaction, he stands up, offended. Are you accusing me of...Are you saying I gave you chlamydia?

Well, who else, Duncan?

I dont know! Anybody!

Right. Anybody! Cause theres so many to choose from. Sarcasm laces with her anger as the tears start to form in her eyes. She holds them back, trying to stay all business but her emotions are betraying her.

So just tell me. Have you been seeing someone else?

He lets out a manic laugh, resorting to sarcasm, usually her weapon of choice. Hey, youre the PI, cant you figure that out? I thought cheating husbands are your specialty. Wanna bug me? Put up some cameras? Go ahead!

Just answer the question, Duncan!

First I gave you chlamydia, now Im a cheater too?! He asks in disbelief.

The words resonates in her mind, digging up old lines and speeches of first Im a murderer, now Im a rapist too?. She turns her head away, shes not able to look at him now. Its too fresh, too painful.

Theres a short moment when only his heavy breath and a muffled sniffle from Veronica keeps them from the silence.

Veronica, I dont have chlamydia.

How do you know! You can go for months without knowing, without feeling a thing!

Weve always used protection, there is no way-

Its not a hundred percent safe!

I dont have chlamydia, and I didnt give it to you. I swear. A beat. And Im not cheating-

Duncan-

How can you even think that for a second?

Cant you just take the stupid test?! Please!

He looks at her, considering his options before gritting out: Fine.

And he turns into his bedroom and slams the door as he goes. Veronica is left in the main room of the suite with tears running down her cheeks.

* * *

Two days.

It takes two days for Wallace to come over. Shes a little disappointed, even though she knows she has no right to be; he has been busy with practice and that thing called school which she ignores.

She hears him greet her father, not bothering to knock before he steps in. Hes practically family after all.

Hey, Mr. Mars.

Hey, Wallace. What have you got there?

Chicken soup. Fennels finest. My mom heard Veronica is sick and she-

Veronicas not sick.

No? I just figured when she didnt come to school and um

Veronica can practically hear Wallace stiffen, realizing his mistake, not sure if hes meant to cover for her or not. She smiles to herself. A true BFF.

Veronica?

Keiths voice grows louder as he walks toward her room and pops his head in.

You okay, honey?

She sits up, smiling one of her best smiles.

Uh huh. Just a little headache and my throat is not feeling too hot either.

Keith sits down beside her, puts his hand on her forehead for a moment with a concerned frown. He ruffles her hair slightly before getting up.

You dont have a fever, he says. Hes not convinced and Veronica can tell. I know youre eighteen now, honey, but if youre home from school I want to know. Im not letting you skip class.

kay.

And have some chicken soup. Im sure it will do you good, he says on his way out.

Wallace is left alone with Veronica. He puts the soup on her desk and studies her.

Girl, you look like shit.

Dont start with me, Wallace.

Im just saying.

Veronica falls back onto the bed. Fingers her walkman. Shes uncharacteristically quiet.

Wallace digs through his backpack. So its either South Park: the Movie or Team America. You have a pick.

Wallace

What?

Im not really up for Trey Parkers 5-year-old brain right now, she answers tiredly.

Oh, thats cool. I can drop by the video store, get some other stuff-

Wallace, Im not really in the mood.

The boy scrutinizes her, trying to read her, but her expression is blank.

Veronica, are we okay? he asks her, his tone serious. And now he just made it sound like they are dating. Wallace groans inwardly.

She smiles amused at him when she answers, Yes, Wallace, we are okay.

So

Im just tired.

And you want me to leave. Its not a question. He does know how to read her signals, even if shes not sharing.

I just need some time alone. Girl time, you know.

I dont. He studies her again, hoping to find some more clues. Veronica, are you okay?

She takes a deep breath, and answering is harder than it should be. Yes, Im okay.

The words sound hollow to both of them. Wallace stands silent for a moment, watching her before he nods.

Ill leave the soup. That is some good stuff. You feel better, okay?

Im not hungry.

He ignores her. And leaves.

* * *

The next time Wallace comes over, the day after, hes convinced that they should hang out, because he cant let her mope and be all emo. Shes still lying on her bed, rock music is blaring from the speakers of her stereo and Wallace spends most of the time doing his homework at her desk.

The third time Wallace comes over he asks her.

Did you and Duncan have a fight?

And he scolds himself for sounding like a typical girlfriend, but reminds himself that to Veronica hes as close as it gets. Because she doesnt have any girlfriends.

Not really.

Your dad told me you and Duncan had some kind of a fall out.

She doesnt answer.

Youre not taking his calls. In my book thats a little too much avoidance for the all time happy couple.

I dont want to talk about it.

And they dont.

* * *

When the subject is brought up again its been more than a week. One week of awkward conversations and avoidance. One week and he doesnt touch her once. Like the chlamydia is seeping out of her skin and he could catch it just by holding her hand. Veronica feels like shes infected with the plague, but shes not so sure she wants him to touch her now.

I got the result back today, he says, and even if he doesnt mean it, theres a I told you so in his tone that makes Veronica queasy. I dont have it. I dont have chlamydia.

Oh, is her weak response, and she truly doesnt know what to say.

So theres no need to go accusing me of things, Veronica. You just set me out as the bad guy, every time, dont you?

Im sorry, she says, not really listening, her thoughts someplace else.

Maybe Im the one who should ask if youre seeing someone else, maybe Im the one who should ask where you got it from?

Oh god, she mumbles under her breath and her eyes are filled with panic when they find Duncans. Her hand comes up to her mouth as she bites back a sob, and her fingers run through her blonde hair.

I need to get out of here, she says and her voice is shaky.

Veronica! Duncans hand is on her arm, stopping her. Hes surprised. You just gonna leave? he asks in disbelief.

I dont know! she practically screams, I dont know anything.

Well, maybe you should ask Logan about it, Duncan says, his tone cold and accusing. Im sure he can give you an answer.

Veronica sobers up, narrowing her eyes at him. Whats that supposed to mean?

Oh come on, the guy slept with Kendall, for Christs sake.

Logan and I never-

You expect me to believe that?

Shes surprised at his lack of faith in her. She takes a moment before answering. Yeah, I do.

* * *

When she gets home she cleans. Pulls out the entire content of her wardrobe and starts to scrub the insides fiercely with a damp washcloth. She sorts, scrutinizes and categorizes it all after color, style and time of purchase. Theres a small pile on her bedroom floor that speaks of Lilly in languages shes no longer familiar with. Pink and baby blue cardigans and light summer dresses she hasnt had the heart to throw out.

Not that dress, the white one with the thin straps. She cut it into pieces long ago. There was too much pain bundled up in one small piece of fabric for her to keep it. She burned the shreds and thought it would make her feel better.

It didnt.

* * *

Four days, and Duncan is standing at her bedside. He smiles sheepishly.

Wallace told me to come see you. Apparently he was sick of sympathy moping with you.

She doesnt respond.

I tried calling.

I know, she says, but doesnt look at him.

So youre purposely ignoring me, is that it?

You are perceptive.

Fine, he grits out, frustrated. Lets not do this. Lets not be reasonable about it.

Sounds good enough for me, she answers flatly, still refusing to look at him.

Great. He says.

And leaves.

* * *

Honey, I thought you knew we dont give Back-up human food.

I havent fed him anything but dog food. Veronica says and sits up on her bed. Besides, I made that rule.

Then why is this mac and cheese still untouched? Keith is holding up the saucepan so that she can see it. Its not going to disappear all by itself, you know.

Im not hungry.

Honey, youre never hungry, thats what worries me. I havent seen you eat in days, you skip school without my knowledge, you sleep all day, dont socialize

And Im usually the queen of socializing, Veronica says. Maybe I should call up my friends in the pep squad so we can girl talk! she adds with fake enthusiasm.

Whats going on, honey?

Im fine, Dad, she rolls her eyes at him for good measure. You dont have to worry.

Well, Im a dad, its whats dads do, and I think I have reasons this time.

I had some cereal earlier, really, Im fine.

But Keith Mars is a PI not just by profession, its in his nature and hes not convinced. But Veronica is not a case, not a cheating husband or a bail jumper and not one of the many interrogation techniques he knows will work on her.

Its at times like these he wishes Lianne is still around.

* * *

Maybe we should ask Logan to talk to her? Wallace asks hesitantly. Talking to friends parents is scary. Especially when youre suggesting a particular someone this father dislikes is the answer to his daughters problems. Wallace and Keith are friendly, but not that friendly.

Logan. Its a statement, but there is disapproval in his tone.

I just thought- She seems so distant, you know? Shes just lying there, man. She wont talk to me, not to Duncan. She and Logan they had some kinda connection, they used to talk- about things girls dont tell their fathers -I dont like it either, but it cant hurt, right?

Im afraid it will, Keith says bitterly.

Forget it, it was just a thought Im just getting really worried.

Me too, Wallace. But Logan is usually the problem, not the solution. Im not sure hes an innocent in this. Why dont you ask if he knows something?

Sure, Mr. Mars.


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Author's Note: My Logan knows how to make pancakes (and from that neat stack in 2x22, I'm thinking it's practically canon :P). The recipe in this fic is my own, feel free to try it, but I had some problems converting it to American measures so I can't promise successful result. :P


Part Three

Shes not sure she can do it again. She thought she had found closure, and now all that was buried is ripped up again with its roots. Shes not sure she can face them, all those people pretending to be her friends just because shes got a rich boyfriend again. Not without wondering who, and if they know, all of them, laughing behind her back.

She gets the urge to cut her hair short like she used to have it, but its too obvious.

You need to eat something, Veronica, Logan murmurs into her hair as they stand on her bedroom floor. His arms have sneaked around her waist loosely and shes glad; touching him seems like a natural thing right now.

Logan, I just threw up.

Yeah, so?

She laughs softly. Fine. But then I demand pancakes.

Pancakes it is.

Thin ones. With strawberries and cream.

He detangles himself from her arms and makes a waving gesture with his hand, like the servant to his king. Your wish is my command.

They smile at each other nervously before he picks up a lock of her hair and scrutinizes it suspiciously. You should have a shower. Ill go get those berries.

* * *

Pancake is the only dish Logan knows how to make, but he makes it with style. It was his mother who taught him all those times when he was bruised and bloodied and she stayed at home with him and tried to make him feel better. She made the best pancakes. American pancakes with maple syrup. British ones with lemon juice and sugar. French crpes and his favorites: Scandinavian pancakes with cinnamon and grated apple. He and his mother used to experiment and it brings a smile to his lips, looking back at it.

Im going to make Veronica some pancakes, Logan says as if its the most common thing in the world and puts the bag with strawberries he went out and bought on the counter.

As long as shes eating, Im happy, Keith answers, tiredly. He doesnt want Logan in their kitchen, or in their apartment, or anywhere near Veronica, but he doesnt have the heart to throw the boy out after finding Veronica in his arms on their bathroom floor.

Logan rummages through the kitchen utensils, finds a bowl and the spoons and measuring cups he needs. Adds almost one cup of flour to the bowl along with a pinch of salt. Pours the milk; one cup and three fourths, and starts to whip to get rid of the lumps.

He knows the recipe by heart. When he was old enough he made his mother breakfast in bed in return when she had a hangover. She liked the thin European pancakes the best.

Two eggs and then the secret ingredient. Vanilla sugar. Almost one teaspoon.

During the summer he had on more than one occasion made them for Veronica. He used to love watching her eat his pancakes. He really wondered what happened to all of the food she stuffed into her mouth, but was happy as long as she liked them. They used to experiment with toppings too, just like he and his mother.

Its time for the butter. One to two tablespoons in the frying pan. It melts and he pours it into his mixture.

Keith and Wallace are watching him with mouths agape, but they dont comment. Keith who was about to say that he doesnt think they have any instant pancake mix keeps quiet.

The mixture is ready and Logan pours a thin layer onto the bottom of the frying pan. Tilts the pan some to make the mixture spread to the edges. He watches fascinated as the yellow liquid turns solid and uses a spatula to clear the edges before he flips it. The pancake has a nice light brown colour.

He tried to teach Veronica how to flip them but she never succeeded. Her pancakes usually ended up a mushy mess on her spatula or in shreds in the pan. He laughed at her and said something about let us men stick to the cooking, its what we do best, anyway and she used to punch him lightly in the side.

When Veronica enters the kitchen, it smells of vanilla and she sees Logan at the stove with Wallace peeking over his shoulder. For the first time in what feels like ages she smiles, a real smile and it almost hurts her lips.

Mm, pancakes, she hums and sits down at the small kitchen island beside her father.

Logan sends her a shy smile. I could only find frozen strawberries. I hope its okay.

She nods eagerly and picks one up from the bowl on the table and devours it. Logan has heated up the berries in the microwave and its almost warm in her mouth.

They come together at the small kitchen island, its crowded, but Veronica wouldnt have it any other way. She grabs a pancake, loads it with strawberries, mashes them with her fork and adds the cream. She watches how the fluffy cream melts on the hot pancake and uses her fingers to roll it.

Logan watches her eating, amused.

* * *

Its 4 am when Logan hears the familiar ringing of his cell phone. He wants to put the pillow over his head and forget about it, but when he glances over at the caller id and sees a picture of Veronica from last summer hes glad he didnt.

Yeah? he groans into the phone.

Logan. Its almost a whimper.

He waits for her to say something more, but she doesnt. Hes groggy from sleeping and rubs his eyes trying to wake himself up.

You okay, Veronica?

A sniffle. Yeah, she whispers.

He understands. Bad dream.

Worst.

Wanna tell me about it? he asks, and then adds quickly, you dont have to if you dont want to.

I think bad covered it.

He chuckles softly. Okay.

He waits for her to say something more, but she doesnt. First, he thinks she has hung up on him, but then he hears the regular sound of her breathing and it calms him down.

They stay like that, phones cradled to their ears for the rest of the night, both clinging to it like a lifeline, comforted by the others breathing and neither is sure who falls asleep first.

Logan is the first to wake up. His cell phone is still on his pillow, and he almost pushes it to the floor when he stretches his sleepy limbs. Then he remembers her call from the night before and picks it up to listen.

His voice is hushed when he asks, Veronica? He doesnt want to wake her if shes asleep but he needs to know if shes awake.

Silence.

He briefly considers his options before hanging up. And sends her a text message.

I didnt want to wake you.

* * *

When Keith comes home from work the first thing he sees is Logan in his armchair. Veronica is sitting on the couch and they are watching what looks to be a karate movie from the seventies.

Hey, honey, he greets her. Then adds, Logan.

A hey, dad and a murmured Mr, Mars is what he gets in return.

Keith loads the groceries hes bought on the kitchen island and stays quiet while putting in the dairies in the fridge. He has been hoping to get a chance to talk to Veronica but every time hes home Logan seems to be with her, following her like a tail, hugging her like a plaster or just being there.

Hes not sure what to make of it.

* * *

Duncan, can I ask you a question?

He has come over, probably to make amends but Veronica isnt very cooperative. Theyre sitting on her bed facing one another, and as far as hard relationship talks go, Veronica has been the queen of avoidance.

Sure, he says but its a little suspicious.

The night of Shellys party, you said you left before I woke up. What time was that?

He looks at her speechless.

Whats this about Veronica? I thought you had let that stuff go. We were both wasted, end of story.

No. We were both drugged, and its not end of story, she says impatiently. Please, just answer the question.

Yeah, well, the drugged part is Logans fault not mine, he answers defensively.

Duncan.

I dont know! It wasnt like I checked what time it was. Sometime in the moring, around seven or so. It was light outside, anyway. Why are you asking me this?

Seven. She calculates in her mind, trying to fit the pieces of her puzzle. She got to the police station around eight

It happened before.

Must have. There wasnt enough time, right? She woke up just after he left.

Shes not sure what is worst: Duncan leaving her to get raped or Duncan sleeping with her right after shed been made a rape victim. Both sounds nauseating to her ears and that the last option seems closer to the truth doesnt please her at all.

Did something seem off with me?

In the morning?

No, when you found me in the guest bedroom.

Veronica, dont do this. He tries to look at her kindly, but its clear hes annoyed. I dont know what you plan on achieving, but theres nothing more to say about that night.

Veronica clenches her teeth, trying to will away the tears that are burning behind her eyelids. I cant say I agree with you, Duncan. Just tell me.

No. You were fine, a little out of it, but so was I.

Did I haveDid you leave my underwear on the floor?

What kind of question is that?! he exclaims.

Okay, Ill put it like this: did I have my underwear on when you got into the room?

Theres tears running down her cheeks now, but she forces herself into continuing. She needs to know, and Duncan was the last person with her that night. Collecting evidence, just like with every other case. She can do this.

Veronica-

Answer!

I dont know! Yes! Of course you had!

Did you notice anything off about me? she repeats, now sobbing.

Veronica, Im not going to do this. He shakes his head at her, tries to stay calm, but hes almost exploding, Veronica can tell.

Please, I need to know.

No, there wasnt anything off about you, what more do you want? he almost shouts, exasperated. Hes tired of being at the end of her accusations, and he doesnt like where this is going. I did leave your underwear on the floor. What? You expected me to put them back on?!

Im just trying to understand! she sobs.

Understand what?! Hes standing up, wildly gesturing, anger oozing off him in waves.

How I could sleep with you after that!

He takes a moment to calm down, takes a few ragged breaths, trying to understand what shes telling him. His voice is no longer raised, but cold when he asks her. After what?

After- she sniffles, takes a few calming lungfulls of air herself and thinks of the best way to drop the bomb. She longs for her bed and the comfort of Logans arms, but theres no going back now.

Duncan, I dont think you took my virginity.

Its the best way she can explain it.

What are you saying?

I think She swallows. Someone else slept with me that night. Raped me- God, how that word is still hard to get out, -when I was unconscious. Her voice cracks, and she sniffles. And I think, I think he was the one who gave me chlamydia.

No.

Its cold, his answer. His face is blank, like it was the first months after Lillys death and he walked around numb, popped up on anti-depressives.

What do yo mean, no?

Thats not- thats not how it was-

Of Duncan and Logans reactions to her confession she has to say she liked Logans better. Being called a liar isnt something she appreciates, its a fucking slap in the face and she considers doing just that to Duncan.

Well, care to enlighten me then, lover?!

You were not- Hes in denial. Because it cant be true. It cant be.

So the bruises, that was you, then? Veronica grits out. She knows she sounds accusing and shes glad.

What are you talking about?!

The bruises, on my thighs? You didnt see those? Someone had to force my legs apart, are you saying that was you, Duncan?

No! he shouts at her, and hes crying too now.

And what about the sperm, was that you or him? Veronica dries her tears angrily and continues. Im guessing it was him cause he gave me a STD, you probably used a condom, but what do I know? Maybe the sperm was from both of you?

Stop it!

What, Duncan? Too detailed for you?

Just shut up!

His hands are clawing in his hair, hes rocking back and forth and for a moment Veronicas afraid he will have one of those seizures. But he calms down, crouches on the floor, head in his palms and he looks defeated.

I just dont understand how I could have slept with you when I had been raped just hours -maybe not even that - before. Veronica says quietly.

I cant answer that, he mumbles.

But it was consensual, right? I was awake? You just thought I was your sister?

Of course it was! His head shoots up and shes afraid he will lose his temper again.

Didnt I notice? Didnt I feel that- that someone had- she tries to collect her thoughts. If I was sober enough to make love to you, why didnt I feel someone had violated me?

Duncan doesnt answer. He tries to reach for her, but she pushes his hands away.

I cant be with you, Duncan. I cant. Maybe Im being unfair, but I just cant. There are too many question marks, too much that dont add up.

He hides his face in his hands and Veronica is sure hes crying, just like she is.

Im sorry, she says. And this time, shes the one to leave.


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